The random thoughts about relativity (not relating to physics in any ways)

First of all, I want to say “hi” to a few new people subscribing to my blog during this half a year. It is my pleasure to see the notifications showing new interests in my imperfect writing, which is sometimes rather rambling.

Wow. So the last time I actually wrote on my blog was around New Year Holiday. Yup, honestly, I have learnt that maintaining a blog is harder than it seems, with all other things happening (or not even happening) outside of the blog world. I tend to sit down and type (or write, believe me, I do write on papers too) whenever I am urged to do so internally. But since 2017 started, that specific inner call has not appeared. And slowly by slowly, the inner call is unfortunately forced to be quiet, for months.

Now and then, when I take few minutes to slow down, I again realise another big portion of time has gone. As in this very moment of typing, only the thought of my last time typing here from 6 months ago scared the crap out of me. I was, then, rather ready to go in the year of 2017. Fancying about all the things might have happened. Wondering about what other things would have fallen through.

How has your 2017 been so far though?

For me, I cannot help feeling confused about where all the months have gone off to. I mean, there were events; there were University works ( a lot); there were parties with friends; there were new friendships formed, new bonds tightened; and there were plans planted. But when May arrived, yet I was startled by the fact that it was already the beginning of summer. Things began to shift again.

Perhaps, the reason every time we feel like time is flying is because we don’t seem to have enough time for all the joys. There is a saying for that, right? Or perhaps, we are greedy, we always want extra time in our sleeves to do extra things, despite what they can be. I thought I managed to do many in those months; while at the same time, I thought I was still a floating leaf on the surface of the sea.

But one thing to remember: time is relative after all. It is all in our head. It may be all in my head.

Any-who, many plans did fall through, and this summer, I stay put in the same city. I described myself in this blog as a mover for my love of freedom and independence. This year so far has, in a way, tied me down. It is just one of those times when grounding yourself is more realistic than constantly looking for chances to run away, to seek for new excitement. This year, adult life sort of gave me an awaken slap, having me learned about my own self inside out and being responsible. So I stayed, despite the fact that my “coreness” craves to be scratched sometimes.

Though, the city was my initial purpose to write today’s blog (I told you, I rambled). The city, Vaasa, is the second city I have lived in Finland. It will be soon a year since I first moved here. Contrasting to other European cities in summer, most of Finnish cities are quiet in such a season. So, instead of always searching for summer events or lying on the beaches or other energetic summer activities, my definition of Finnish summer involves thoughts and slow pace. Vaasa’s summer also involves seagull’s voices and the sound of strong wind pushing against the trees. Those have always been everything I hear every time I close my eyes, breathing in the nature here, with a thick watery favour in the air.

Since I moved here, few people asked me which city I preferred, Jyväskylä or Vaasa? 

It is a difficult question to answer, I gotta tell you.

To me, they are so different to compare. I only know Vaasa captured my heart with the sea and its reflection onto the sky. I have rarely seen a more magnificent sky than the one here in Vaasa. It has my favourite colour – the colour of ambition and magic.

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This city has given me the quietness and private space I need. My daily schedules in the winter here appeared to be not much different from other winters I stayed in Jyväskylä. I went to University for classes, stayed over time to do homework, sometimes socialised, sometimes went to exercise classes and always ended with a long to medium-long walk home in the coldness. However, this winter here was slightly better than the rest. Maybe Vaasa offered me more sunny days in those coldest months. Maybe also, the coldness this time had less of my own from inside. 

Winter in Finland has usually had reasons to become hard time for me (besides the harsh weather, of course). The first winter, was my very first time to be far from home, and bury myself inside layers of clothes, layers of blankets. The second winter was for grief of something lost that I was never sure if I ever had it in the first place, or deserved to have it. And the winter of 2016 could be the winner in the competition of my down times.

But this winter, even though there were yet reasons upsetting me, I felt less heavy. I was recovering. I was trying to be better. This winter, I peeled almost every covers of my own thoughts so that I could study myself. Vaasa has been such a place for me to do so. I don’t really know whether it might simply be the new city with new environment, and not all these idealistic meanings I gave to the city. But in my good days here, I feel fresh. There was no past to be haunted by, no memories to be reminded. Well, okay, not yet.

However, when I left to Southern France, the city there was new to me too; yet the ghost from the past never dissolved. So, I guess, new place doesn’t always mean new fresh start. I think it comes from us, ourselves. The places with specific meanings we attach with, they may all be in our head. Again, it’s all relative, depending on which perspective we choose to look at it, right? 

In some ways, I am quite grateful to stay in Vaasa this summer. The city deserved to be known a little more in the season of bright colours, ice cream and energy. When many of my plans to move abroad fell through, I surely was disappointed. Nevertheless, thanks to some outside advices, it has become not such a bad thing eventually. Some summers are meant to be fore adventures, some summers are better to be for thoughts and slow pace; and well, blogging.

 

 

 

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Finding your stable feet

There have been quite a few posts on my blog, in which I shared about my feelings towards different places I have lived in or have been to. Jyväskylä is probably the most mentioned city. You see, I came there before I even turned 18 officially, and the place was very much a representation of my big life milestone. I also lived in London – UK, in Breda – the Netherlands, Mandelieu La Napoule – France, and now, I find myself in a coast city: Vaasa – Finland. In addition to these cities, I have been to other few places for short to medium length travelling.

If you have read some of those posts, it may not come as a surprise that I usually develop connections with the places I stepped my feet in.

London was where I found a fresh young girl falling in love madly. London taught me the very first real but crooked definition of “love”.

Breda kept within it my Erasmus exchange memories, the laughter, the drunk parties, the friendship, the companies, the partners in crime and the one that got away. The Netherlands was how I brought myself back to excitement of being in a new place, making new friends and having a new purpose to dip myself in experiences.

Then, in Mandelieu La Napoule, I hid. I got defeated in these last 1,5 years. I was blinded with my own failures, I came back to my oldest passion – travelling/ moving to a new city, or perhaps, come back to also my most common excuse for escapism. Southern France gave me the peace behind every single wave rolling on the beach surfaces, behind the winds floating through trees while I pushed myself to hike towards higher and further point; but of course, to trade for such peace, I lived with lonesomeness.

Finland. Well, Finland became my second home town years ago, and has always been. In a way, I feel I am re-born here. Certainly, my relationship with this country has began to face obstacles and plenty of wonders. Even so, I doubt I would ever change my way of looking at it the way I am looking at it now – after every each time I return here after being in a different place – as if I am looking at the most familiar place to me ever.

I take pride in telling others the places I have been to, and lived in. Even though I take joy in dazzling others’ eyes when I tell them those places as my life achievements, they are also more than that. They have become parts of my identity. To tell people about my different types of crushes for these places, I am reminding myself of how I am living closely to my ‘coreness‘. Sure, it sounds romanticized, but sometimes, the things which sound most cliché, are unfortunately deniably true.

It is easy to forget the dream you had when you were kids. And I am not even talking about all the silly dreams we had, like being a superman or cat-woman, or a princess/prince/ king/ queen (despite the fact that the idea of having a castle is still very tempting now and then), etc.

But I mean, THE DREAM. The one and only one dream, speaks to you the most, and stay with you the longest.

For me, it is travelling, even before I am aware of what the term “travelling” would mean. This very special kind of dream seems the most challenging to keep. Because it is not unrealistic, you know you might be able to make the dream come true one way or another. But it is also unrealistic, years of growing up and attempting to be an adult at least has taught you much.

I have not lived enough to out-say other more experienced people about how to achieve your dream eventually. This post is not about that.

This post is for me to share the other side of my dream: the breaking-up phase with my places. As I know how lucky I still am, I don’t normally say out loud to myself the holes made inside me sometimes, after I leave a place.

Being on the move is great. Being on the move also equals not settling down, either physically, geographically or mentally, sometimes all. The excitement for exploration I depend on is short-lived. After certain time living in a place, you may fall back into a life with usual pattern plus repetitive daily activities. I myself find me in boredom. I see myself being curious about what may be different in some other places. I see me starting to look at tickets, jobs, paper work process and day-dream about being able to just pack and go.

So, people usually say, being on the move sounds exciting but one cannot always be on the move, and do that forever. And I usually laugh away their sayings. I laugh away even more if people add the ideas of starting a family and living permanently in one place. But there is nothing wrong with those ideas. In fact, I secretly agree with those people in parts. Being on the move requires you to be emotionally adjusted. Being on the move makes you realise you have never had a particular place where you call home, and you can just buy tons of housing decorations without wondering what to do with them when you move again, at least for the next many years. Being on the move requires financial support, if you are to hold a limited passport. Being on the move means you cannot promise to make a work contract for years. Let’s not talk much about what being on the move might affect to your relationships, I guess, we are all somehow aware of that price.

I laugh away, because still, being on the move is my very important dream. To imagine me forgetting it, is scary. To think about the things I cannot have in exchange for what I am passionate about, is challenging, (hell, many times, really challenging); but yet satisfying. It reminds me of my ‘coreness‘. All the places construct the very present me. I know that my future me will be even more evolving with new places I will be in.

I guess, my very main message is that even if I am seen as living my dream, I may not have every ingredients to make a perfect life; the same for everyone else and every other situations. Food for thought (?): nothing in life can be in total perfection.

I don’t know if I will ever have stable feet. But I know I have no desire to find out anytime soon.

To see Finland the way I have not been seeing – step 1: Tampere

 

My first something new of 2016

So, at 13:37 on 06.01.2016, I decided to do something new. I finished my earliest post in Tumblr blog – small corner I created to share my stories in any sorts of my life since summer 2015. I moved my mouse up and down looking at my blog site after posting the post; and it did not seem to fit in Tumblr anymore, as the way it used to be. I started writing publicly in Tumblr for a reason (which I will share with post here soon). I thought I would continue writing there for a while more before I changed to here. I heard about WordPress the first time through my friends who gave me advices on writing blogs.

Since I started writing in high school, I have always been writing for myself. I used to be bad at literature when I was in Junior High School, but for some reason, when I got to write freely years later again, I found my secret crush for writing. It was supposed to be for my own self only, I felt free thinking so. I am not following any rules of writing, I express the words in the way I felt like most at the time putting them down in the screen. Then, one some random day along the way, I got to read a random blog of a random person. My crush in writing developed into something bigger ever since – a passion, a dream. I thought of starting my own blog. But I am shy of bringing one of the most private things in my life to public; and there is even high chance I will receive criticism for doing the things I love. Time passed by. I remembered about my own self before moving to Finland. What people see me, mattered to me so much that I did not recognise I let go many parts of me. The day I moved to Europe, I made a promise to change, and to never treat myself in such a way. I am free; and I want to share with the world what I meant by that word “free”.

Tumblr was my first step ever into this blogging world. I have not yet felt the sense of new year 2016; hence, there could not be better moment than this to start something new. I wish to write not only for myself; but also for you now, who wish to read something random on a boring day, who want to kill time waiting for something, who think one might find a light through others’ stories or simply who accidentally found this blog. This is my corner online, but if we fit in the way of thinking, you are always welcome to stay 🙂

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hanniidang

You can find through this link some of my old posts.