And, not or.

The blog’s inspiration is dedicated to #Millennials podcast and the book I am currently reading, Alchemist. 

If you ever know me outside, I think your impression of me here will be shattered. 

I don’t usually share so much with others. I do appear as a happy girl. Many times when I actually sit down and tell people (whom I actually trust enough) what really is going on with me, they claim to be quite surprised. So, okay, I don’t share much. 

I wrote before how I started my writing and my blog here. I did explain to you quite in details how I chose this online environment to be my sharing corner, with people I don’t even know. I probably don’t even tell my closed friends these many thoughts. Heck, they don’t even know I have a blog. 

That was what made travelling appeal to him – he always made new friends, and he didn’y need to soend all of his time with them. When someone sees the same people everyday, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person’s life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear ifea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.  – Alchemist book, Paulo Coelho. 

There is the reason. Because you don’t know me, except for me here through my romantic, long and over-shared style of writing. This is me. But there are also other me(s) in real life. There is also me who I am myself searching for still, there is me who I am waiting to rise up sometimes and there is me who I force to change. My friends know almost all of those versions, once they have certain images, it is hard to break. I am not sure if I even want to change how they look at me. 

Even so, I have a lot of other me versions to different types of friends. I can be emotional and cheesy. I can be the opposite. I can just be your drinking partner. I can also be the hard-working teammate/colleague of yours. I can stay quiet if you don’t like talking. I can also talk more to maintain the conversations with you. 

I work in Marketing, have had experiences working with social media promotion and I love researching about those stuff. Marketing to me is a combination of many evolving things that it becomes really difficult to catch up. To connect and understand your customers is another big challenge. With digitization, marketing now has developed much into digital marketing. My daily lives involve many hours being on Internet and in front of computers. When I used to work voluntarily for AIESEC Youth Organization, my daily life was 30-40 notifications on Facebook. That was quite brutal, I would say. 

I also dislike and get tired with Marketing. Because it is changing so much, everyone claims to know the best way to reach customers. Many advises and articles written on the topic remain to be from US perspectives. This rises a tough question for other different culture and environment, how to pick up and adapt for suitability to their own cases. Then, as a consumer myself, I cannot deny the fact that occasionally, marketing comes as manipulation and deceiving customers. I don’t like to be sold to; but I am also the person trying to make sales.

I don’t like to spend long time on Facebook but sometimes, I just have to. 

I am also a person who enjoy being outside, hiking, walking or running and not being tied down on a chair.

But on some days, I’d like my relaxing time, being cozy watching series, staring at computer and just typing down a new blog, maybe. 

I used not to like Marketing, but now I do.

I used to have everything planned out, but now I very much go with the flow and cannot handle the pressure of tight schedules. 

I love nature, I love silence but I also like cities and urban life. 

I’d like to read. I love words but I also enjoy going straight to the point, being simple now and then. 

I love the sea, I always felt like it was a part within me when I was in France even if I didn’t grow up by seaside. But I cannot swim. 

I used to think my blog is not going to be read by anyone anyway (which actually make me more reassured to have my writing published), but now, well I have 20 followers. 

The list goes on, not to mention about my changing mood. 

And that is how I changed my blog name to Contradictory. My blog domain still remains as randomwandering, as I have not yet reached moments to have to invest financially into this blog. 

I have told a few friends of mine what I learned from this one particular Interculturalist during one conference in Brussels. And since I have always been over-shared with you, I am going to tell you too. 

You are not this or that. You are this AND that.” 

If you are lost in knowing yourself, as much as I have been, I hope you will give this sentence certain amount of time to actually absorb. It has helped me a lot. 

Imagine on your worst days of life up to this point, you even recognize you cannot even understand yourself anymore. Anything you have done, have believed and have claimed to be you, is broken into pieces. As each of those things got you into this place – the place you would have laughed at anybody telling you that you would be here eventually. Well, because you were not supposed to reach here. You had plans of reaching somewhere else. 

So, the feeling would pretty suck, right? 

The sentence has helped enormously in a sense that I don’t have to be exactly one person. I don’t have to be that person everyone thinks I am or how I should be. I don’t have to be the person I promise myself to be. I just simply can be all. I can be outgoing but I am also very scared of starting conversations with strangers sometimes. I am brave to move to new places, getting to know new people, breaking out of my bubble but really, I only wish to have time just to be within my room and not socializing. Changing is a natural force of life. And if life changes, time passes, buildings appear and disappear, why do you have to be only one version? 

I know now, I am at such a phase in which I will feel lost continuously. You know, being 20s and millennials and stuff. Perhaps, somebody tells you to be very careful of what path you should choose to go in these ages, since it might determine your identity.

I will risk telling you, don’t be careful.

Our identity is not stable. And I would very much disagree to people always using their job as their identity; except when you got to do the job you always dream for. Just, the next time you introduce yourself to someone, how about not including what you do for a living to define you, and instead what you like to do in your pastimes? 

The only permanent thing might be a core value you admit to yourself when you were much younger, before you stumble upon many obstacles that push you over. I cannot tell you what this core value can be. I am one of you too, seeking for answers. But I do know, this value has to be something I would always go back to, and would never lose despite all odds. 

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