Abandonement

…is when you wish Happy Bday to the person you saw almost every day, every hour, spent every night sleeping next to, for months; and all you recieved is “ty”. A “thank you” word was not even written in full form. Or maybe it is just an over-thinking reaction? 

…was when you went mad because the same person did not wish you Happy Birthday, and you waited hours before your anger—mixed with all the things you held back inside—exploded. You were told it was because of time differences and busy working schedule. You were asked what you wanted the person to do. You were not sure about the answer. 

….is when you don’t recall since when life has turned to be a club, in which people walk in to share same interests. And after many bonds, the beginning interests fade, they walk away. 

…was when you didn’t have a perfect last night to be with a guy. You weren’t prepared for the ending to come, but it did. You were confused how to react, lying on that bed with a cold backside the whole night. 

….is when you keep re-living the same night over subconciously until you grasp for breath because of suffocation. And consciouly whenever you see something with his name or any detail involving him. 

….was when you walked out of that door, hesitated before closing it behind you, walked downstairs but kept looking back, hoping for a miracle. “Please…

….is when life is too ironic: giving you a reason feeling alive and taking away. Because you were never meant to have it in the first place. But maybe it was you, not life. You decided. 

….was when you knew at the beginning you would never be able to replace that girl. But you blindly and madly fell for him anyway. You wanted to be the reason making him happy, as you would be too. You were told you made him happy, but that had never been and was not enough, especially the moment you walked on the plane. 

….is when you are aware you have people around you, but unsure who would actually give you a shoulder to lean on. You have learnt people promised, people cared at first, but then walked away. They have their own baggages and yours are not something extra they bargain for. 

…was when you kept wondering how he had been doing, felt unready to leave without knowing he would be okay. For months. Only to realise it was never reciprocated, except for his words “let him be” being echoed in your head. 

…is a feeling you cannot let go.

…was a wound never healed because you did not know how to mend. 

…is pushing you back to your own corner, away from the world. 

…was what you held onto, for strength to fight. 

….is a series of moments your trust got shattered into pieces. 

….and is yet a wall you wish to break. Knowing it is not who you are, but also knowing without it, you sense as if a part has been dripped apart. 

Abandoned

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