I cannot believe I have been delaying this quest for such a long time. It has been hectic, well, comparing to my other hectic period, it has been not so much hectic but it has been hectic enough for me and my brain, in this particular difficult time. I have been back and forth on the roller coaster, and sometimes on the big wheel going around the circle. Going along with me is my feeling towards this city. Anyway, let’s continue with the quest.
Can you measure what you see? Height? Length? Breadth? Weight? Why does it have to be these dimensions? What shapes do you see? Are they tall and slender? Are they round? Are they flat and wide? Are they square? Are they symmetrical or asymmetrical?
No I can’t actually measure what I see with particular metric measurements. I usually walk around the city and measure the view with my feeling for its beauty. Sometimes, the view is grey but I measure it with my mood ruler and as rare as it might be, the view then can turn to be yellowish brighter in my head. I walked around this city, the same routes over and over again, which I would never imagine in my last year (possibly last time being here), new memories are still drawn up, added to whole picture.
But Jyväskylä is not a flat city, unlike Breda in the Netherlands. It goes up and down, also like a roller coaster. The part that is most flat would be the main lake, I don’t think it exactly lie in the middle of the city, but I’d like to think so. I’d like to think every time I walk home or invite friends over to my place, I told them, you are about to go to the other side of the city, or you are at the other end of the bridge, it’s a different world over here. It is true on some levels, as in my area, I rarely bump into people I know from school or work. I have two closed friends living near here, and of course my flatmates. That would sump up it. I would not worry accidentally running into anyone. I feel as if this side of the bridge is for me, and whatever happened to me, bad feelings, confusion, or bitter-sweet memories remain on the other side of the bridge. Below is the picture of my side of city, on a almost-full moon night.
Usually the shapes I see are tall and slender. High buildings. Trees. Then they are also flat and wide. Blue wide sky. Lakes. Long roads. In the winter, there exists many foot steps into the snow, as if some kid is trying to draw something artistic on a white painting with no clue what he/she wants to draw. After winter, when spring fever starts to appear, like now, snow melts. More brown weird shapes of snow lies along the street, in this or that corner. Even so, I don’t think people pay much attention to those when there is a round bright Mr. Sun in the sky.
So yesterday, I walked home with my best friend and I realised I only had one week left before I flew to France. The “graduation feeling” rose up even higher. I realised I had spent 4 years in this city, changing from someone I barely recall existing before to this new person that I am on a quest to find again. We talked a bit about how it was being here on the first few days, in the first month. Something tightened inside me. I am going to miss this city, as much as I am going to miss all the days, weeks, months I spent within it. Something else even tightened more when I told myself when I would come back here. I tried to recall whether I had such same feeling when I left Vietnam, I mean, I was born and lived there for even more longer amount of time. Back then, the excitement of the world half across the globe might have blurred mostly the nervous and fright. This time of moving, for first time, I feel more scared, closer to the day of moving. Something existing in here kept questioning me whether it was already time to say goodbye. But you know, I have been searching. I searched around, looked around on my every single walk home and to school. I wanted to see a sign, maybe, telling me it was still worth staying even though it seemed like not. I just still cannot find it. I do, though, recognise my original adore for Jyväskylä. Unfortunately it is not strong enough for keeping my feet on this ground. Reasons pushing me to leave, to DO something, are stronger. You might think if so, then why I am still in such a confusion. Honestly, I don’t know. But I cannot keep staying and figuring out. Something has to be done for me to figure out, right?
Maybe I won’t say goodbye just yet. Maybe I’ll keep that goodbye until I am ready to do so.