It’s the adrenalin drying out. You know, like when you are in an accident that happened so quick, you could not sense the pain or realize what was happening. Your brain only processes and reacts to certain things, but definitely not the pain. The pain comes later. Grey Anatomy taught me that, and I hope I remember right. So I assume the feeling when the party is over, or something good ends, or a good relationship breaks up, or a job got terminated, the endings in general cannot be compared to that adrenalin after traumatic accidents, in medical terms. But to me, so far, I called those feelings rising up after endings are similar as when the adrenalin produced by your brain is up.
You are left with what is really happening. Everything rush back like a big tidal wave, which might hit you so hard that now and then, you find yourself being drowned. Or it could be in more gentle form, for the first few days after “endings“, you are given some space to go through denial phase. During this phase, those wave are only a bit more aggressive waves, appearing whenever wind begin to work a bit harder. Until you reach the accepting phase, you might also find youself, for some reasons, already drowning and your feet is touching the sea ground.
Travelling is my adrenalin. Alcohol, running, books, movies, good parties hanging out with friends, work, stufy, business, are all my adrenalin. And the more I have to depend on adrenalin’s use, the less length it can last. Tricky part is, when the moment of drowning reaches, would you ever believe you will rise up to the surface soon?
I thought of leaving this post at this very point here. But I went through my old blog in Tumblr, just minutes ago. And I found some of my old posts, which seem not to be much related to what I am expressing here, but in strange way, they are also kind of are. They are not the answers, they don’t help me to say to you “yes, you should believe you will rise up the surface” or “no, you absolutely will be drowned“. But that’s the idea, there’s no right or wrong answer. You would just have to see, whether a tiny bit of light will reach to your eyes when you are at the bottom of the sea. Or in much better expression, a quote I caught from Shonda Rhimes – writer for Grey’s Anatomy series (one of my very own favourite ones): “All you can do now is stand very still, breath in the moment and try to be opened, whatever the wind’s going to take you next“.
However, what came after Erasmus life? Last week, I talked to a friend, who also used to go on an exchange. She said “Erasmus life was not real, anything happened during Erasmus life was hard to be real”. And that is what comes after Erasmus life. The goodness you had make you cling to them as much as you can, even when it is time for you to return to the old life. Nowadays, whenever I receive the feeds from those exchanged students, it makes me urge for those goodness again. It makes me wonder, what else I can do here to have them as well, as a fourth year student, who does not have many classes anymore except the big thesis, who cannot just spend money without thinking and have to use all the chances to work for the salary, who needs to live more healthy, and who does not even live near the exchange students village. You see, how different and more challenging it is to turn your normal life to exchange life?
Since I came back, I did not know who I was. I came to the Netherlands expecting something else than I got. Still, I went with the flow anyway. I took the risk, as I gave my trust again to life and to him that the risk would be worth. It was, sort of worth, until now when I lost him, I lost a part of me sharing with him. He was my memory in the Netherlands. I came back, being nostalgic and all, but on top of everything, I tried to hold onto him, to keep that piece of myself. It still ran away. I was left with disappointment and sadness that sounds like just a broken-hurt but it sucks all my energy out some days. I call them the bad days.
That is the reason I have been looking, searching. I am not sure what I look for but I have been doing it. So yesterday, I took a trip to Helsinki, stay there for a couple of nights. I wanted to get fresh air. I met up with an old friend in the same Erasmus exchange. After that, I walked slowly to the nearby park. It was a beautiful day in Helsinki, luckily, the city welcomed me well. I sat there for a while, with my dark-drama book. I looked at the young fresh people walking and dressing nice. I noticed some lying on benches enjoying the heat. I looked over the birds jumping on their toes, and flying around me. I heard the traffic noise all the time because here is more urban life than my city. If i looked straight up, I could see the shopping malls, the trams, the flows of people moving back and forth. And I know I found something. It was a rush growing inside me, drawing in front my eyes the possible new page, new chapter in my own story. I might not be able to move right away, but there it is, there is the possibility I need. So go ahead. If you are in a bad place like me, and you feel stuck in your own life at the moment, don’t hesitate to move forward. Make a bucket list. Do new things. Do things you have never done. Move to new place. Refresh. Press the F5 button. No matter how many times you have to press the button, in order just to make your “computer” runs smoother. Even if you have to shut it down and restart, go ahead. There is a big chance the computer will be on again, be normal as the first moments you use it.