So this is what I woke up to. Gothenburg, Sweden, 14th February 2016, Valentine’s Day. I woke up to see a bright blue sky with sunshine all over the white snow covering roads, the spring feels as if it is really near. I personally have not been celebrating Valentine’s Day with anyone since 4 years ago. Not to bring this up in a sad desperate feeling. It is definitely not the best feeling to be alone among other couples on this day though. For whatever happened to me recently, I do not think such a bad feeling on this particular day will make any differences. But I woke up to this sun light. Then I had a nice walk through the forest with two friends (who were also a couple). I looked at them, and breathed in fresh wind of possible early spring. Today does not have to be about me at all. In fact, there is even no need for single people to be sad on this day, or jealous to who has someone to celebrate with. This day is for couples, for who do not give up love over challenges in life and luckily still stay together. I then read another post on this site: http://extradrymartini.com/, in short moments, warming up my hope muscle. There were days before I thought I could not continue, and allowed myself to be pushed down into a dark hole. I cannot say I can maintain such a state like today for long; however so, minutes of this is worth keeping. Deep down in heart, far back in head, I do still care enough to keep on living. I am still aware of friends who I have been neglecting, of dreams that might be buried but not lost and of family who are still on this Earth. At least for today, I will try to hold onto this before it slips away again.
Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone!
But little by little, it started to come back. I started writing again. And over the last two plus years, I have written a lot. I wrote while my life changed. I wrote through all kinds of moments – heartbreaking moments and sweet moments, laugh out loud moments and joyful moments. You see, once you get through the worst part of a trauma, once you realize it won’t actually kill you, once you realize that you still care enough to pick yourself up and keep on living, you become capable of experiencing profound joy. And it’s often joy where you wouldn’t expect it: in small, seemingly insignificant moments that you never even realized were beautiful until you looked at them through the lens of loss. Even though you’re sadder and more broken, when you laugh you really mean it, and when you love you really mean it, and even though you wouldn’t wish what’s happened to you on anyone, your dirty little secret is that you don’t want to go back to the way you were before, because the old you was oblivious, fumbling around in the dark, while this you is awake to everything. And once you’ve woken up, you can’t go back to sleep.